I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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