Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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