All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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