There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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