He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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