Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize