I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
