you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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