there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
