today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
