Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
