im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
