just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
