How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
