Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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