i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
