if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
