have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize