R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
