im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
