If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
