I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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