A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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