I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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