I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
