I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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