I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
