I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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