I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
