We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
