Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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