were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
