I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
