I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
