He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
