At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
