Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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