this beer tastes like vomit already
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
