Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
