so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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