my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
