just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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