The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
