I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
