I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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