Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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