New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
