Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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