wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
