he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize