happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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