I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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