Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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