I think I won the penis lottery.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
