My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
