he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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