I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
