I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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