Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
