He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
