mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
How does one acquire holy water?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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