I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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