In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
