I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
